Team Murder No Brain No Headache.


Adjusting To The Void

I've been silent for the last couple of days for any number of reasons not the least of which is the feeling that a little silence in honor of Aaron is necessary. I wasn't really sure if I'd processed his passing or not yet. I'm pretty sure that I haven't but I'm also sure that there isn't a damn thing that can be done about it other than feeling like the world is a slightly less pleasant place without him. There is so much more to be said but I haven't a fucking clue what that is. He is still very much in my thoughts even if I can't find the words to convey what I'm thinking.

I fired up Gaim for the first time in a couple of weeks and was immediately confronted with ahawk31361 at the top of my offline buddy list. It's difficult to describe how empty that makes me feel. The other overwhelming feeling I get is that I need to stop feeling like I'm bothering people when I'm concerned about them. I didn't pester Aaron with instant messages in the past even though I hadn't communicated with him for weeks or longer. I don't want to have that feeling of regret again not based on pretense that I really could have made a difference about his decision or that I had any place in influencing that decision but the feeling that greyed out icon gives me. It's the feeling that I'll never "talk" to that person again and that I squandered the last chances I might've had because I was self conscious. Self absorbed, I know, but I'm sorting a little slowly today.

Sorting may be a more apt term than I had intended. You might assume that a friendship played out entirely in the electronic medium would leave more traces and traceable record. It doesn't and that lack, the weird roaring void that comes along with the admission that you throw too many things out without hesitation, is another absence. It must be a positive process because it hurts.

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