Team Murder No Brain No Headache.

26Sep/06Off

The Relief That Comes With Just Giving Up

This probably isn't the proper place for these sorts of postings but I really can't resist as unsafe as it might be to mention at this exact moment in time. I've start sending out applications and resumes in search of a new job only five months after starting this one. I really, really hate looking for work and the availability of online job postings that sometimes contain 700 words or better of job description only bolsters that distaste. Getting there is not half the fun nor any fun at all in particular. The clinical and descriptive language of these listings makes me feel like a badly bent plug looking for a socket loose enough for me to slide into while trying to avoid the sparks, dimming lights, and other side effects of being wedged into a new void that may or may not be the void I am looking for once the dividing line of the face plate is passed. Melodramatic as fuck I realize but also a fair approximation of the way I'm feeling which is a combination of exhausted, dispirited, and, well, exhausted.

The important point here is that I came to a terrible realization a couple of weeks ago and it's an uncomfortable realization to make: I don't like my present job and, in terms of moving on and away from it in the future, it is a death trap instead of an environment where I can learn anything new. I do learn new things every day but they are usually pure procedure and contradictory to what I reluctantly absorbed in the weeks before. The problem is that the work simply isn't challenging in the intellectual sense. Sure, it's grueling being micromanaged for nine hours a day and having mindless and repetitious tasks piled on top of an already precarious work load but at the end of the day I don't get the same feeling that I had when working elbow deep in and unending line of broken machines. The "Wow, I kicked that mess into shape and I still have most of my fingers" feeling has been replaced with a numbness that is slowly degenerating into despair. Anyone, with a little training, could walk into this job and excel. It would probably be easier if I knew absolutely nothing and could be enthusiastic about describing the path to Tools > Internet Options > Temporary Internet Files but I'm not and no amount of pretending is going to make me feel any better about this.

So, after admitting all of that, first to myself before working it out on the keyboard, I'm pretty relieved to admit that what I'm doing is utter shit although secure and relatively well paying shit and that I need to get the fuck out now. The process will suck as it always does but it feels like nothing when compared to the thought of continuing this in perpetuity. If that isn't a sure sign that it is time to move on then I don't know what is. Getting myself mentally prepared for this has been oddly cathartic as filling out what feels like reams of Word documents to submit to an invisible human resources department actually felt productive for some reason and finishing up all that hoop jumping and creative arrangement of fact put me a in a more positive frame of mind. I guess there is also the feeling that an invisible countdown has begun although that will slow nearly to a halt by the time anything actually starts to happen. Weird, huh?

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