Team Murder No Brain No Headache.

23Nov/06Off

A Reluctant Nod In The General Direction of Holiday-ness

One thing that really upsets me about our Thanksgiving this year is that I will not be swilling cheap beer and eating deep fried turkey. For as much 'oh-noeeee'-ing as most news sites are doing about the dangers of frying turkey you would think that a person or two would have:

a) actually eaten fried turkey before which is delicious and makes that sliceable pile of rubbery sand that is the oven cooked turkey look like the culinary tumbleweed that it really is. If you're not a fucking idiot (an unsafe assumption I acknowledge) you exist by eating some foods that are not fried and can actually eat something that isn't without having a heart attack in midst of forkful. If you can't tear yourself away the television while eating Cheez Whiz with a spoon then fried turkey may not be the dish for you.

b) Frying turkey does indeed involve a large vat of very hot peanut oil and could be dangerous if you're a fucking moron. Thanksgiving closes the banks but it does not postpone or cancel physical laws. You're going to do this to eat not to burn alive or simulate the Pompeii experience so move that shit away from things that might catch on fire if spattered with hot oil. This also means that you should be a responsible pet owner and/or parent and keep your little idiots away from the bubbling cauldron of red hot death for the stupid. This seems like it ought to be common sense. Obviously you're not going to heat gallons of oil to 375 degrees inside your house. Duh.

That bitterness vented, I will not be taking part in the fry fest this year as we're doing a more traditional T-day this year with family. I have decided that in the future when doing the fried turkey and cheap beer disaster in the future that doing things unsafely should be mandated. I'm thinking of requiring frozen turkey free throws from at least ten feet away in order to facilitate the danger that everyone enjoys harping on so much.

Update. Sort of.
My friend Tony mailed me about this post over at Jalopnik about how to fry a turkey without killing yourself and involving some of those expensive tools/toys. The advice given comes from folks who have, I know this is crazy, actually fried a turkey before. They get bonus points for using crazy big machinery that normally would hoist an engine block. Awesome.

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  1. I also have to comment that I have not only eaten fried turkey before, but this is the first year in ages that I haven’t had fried turkey. My redneck step-dad virtually invented it.

  2. This year my wife decided to have a dry run thanksgiving day to test out her recipes. We soaked the bird in a brine solution she got at William Sonoma it really kept it moist. OMG, the turkey was so good and I get to do it again in a few days!


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